Wednesday, July 13, 2011

15 days 'til 45

I have been writing this blog for 15 days now and I am having a great time sharing my writing. Thank you for reading and for everyone who has commented on my blogs. I am humbled by your responses. I am sorry that I have not thanked you personally. It is a strange thing to do what you have wanted to for the first time in a long time. I want to write and be read, but if I stop and think about who is reading then I start to get self-conscious and I start to worry that what I might say will be offensive, or incorrect, or boring, etc.

This feeling surrounds me. This may sound unrelated but bear with me.

I was working at the McCombs School of Business at UT, and it was one of the best jobs I have ever had. I think I found myself during those years because of the boss I had and because I was in therapy. One day I was talking to my boss--don't remember what I was talking about--but something made me start laughing. Not a quiet giggle but a loud, long, deep in the soul laugh. I walked out my bosses office to see several student workers looking at me. One of them said, "Are you okay?" I said yes. They said they had never heard a laugh like that before--sort of like I was running out of breath. It made them laugh but also a little concerned until they found out I was okay.

I had never been told that I had a funny laugh before. I thought about it for a while and realized something: I had never really thrown my head back in laughter before. I had laughed before, for sure. But not long and loud with abandon. I remember trying hard not to be loud. When I was really young, I was always told to be quiet; I was the smallest person in the house with the biggest sound. At some point I got the message. I did not want to bother anyone with anything. So I kind of silenced myself, including silencing my writing.

Well, now I am told regularly that my laugh is funny. That makes me happy. It means that I have let loose. Now I need to continue doing that with my writing. The only thing I need to silence is that loud voice in my head that says, "Don't do that. What if they don't like it? What if you offend someone? What if you say too much? What if it is no good? Why don't you stop?"

It's been fifteen days. A good record for me. Here's to at least fifteen days more.

Thank you for reading!

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